Flipped
Hurt and pain were all I could remember. The utter shock when it first hit deep within my heart just about killed me. I never saw it coming. She left me; didn’t even care. My whole world was flipped upside down and I felt so empty. The day my mom left was the hardest day of my life. She never even told me that she was leaving, the only thing I got was a text a week later saying that she was all settled in. I remember feeling so abandoned by one of the people was supposed to be genetically programmed to love me. I couldn’t understand it, but the biggest decision I made that day was that I wasn’t going to let her decision define me. I was going to be better and do better than her, that I knew for sure.
It was four days after Christmas when my mom and dad sat me down to tell me they were getting a divorce. I can remember my sister and I sitting there in shock at what was going on. My parents always seemed happy, they never fought, and when they did it was more like debating rather than arguing. After that day everything just got really awkward. My mom moved to the room in the basement while she looked for a job and an apartment while the rest of us stayed living upstairs. The interactions between my parents from then on out just seemed like business, in fact, I wasn’t even sure if they were friends or not. The most annoying thing though was that they pretended like everything was fine. They had no idea that this decision that they made was killing me, but I just never wanted to show it.
After a couple of weeks my mom found a job and an apartment and moved out. It was nice to not have that uneasy feeling every time I walked into the house, but there was one major event to come of this, dual custody. We had to spend one week at my dad’s house and then flip and spend one week at my mom’s. It was really hard to keep myself focused on things because I was always switching houses and it was just all a big mess. It was really hard to stay at my mom’s too she was really secretive all of a sudden and became really controlling. It was weird to see the shift in attitude, and as weeks turned into months I found myself not being able to be around her for long periods of time. We never got along and it killed me that she treated me like I was 10 years old. After a couple of months she sat me and my sister down and told us that she and the guy she had been talking to for several months were planning on getting married. I didn’t even know she had a boyfriend and here she was telling us that she was getting married. She said that he had asked her to move down to New Mexico where he was stationed at and Air Force base. After she told us the news she told me and my sister that we had to choose whether or not we wanted to move and live with her or stay here with my dad. I can sometimes understand her logic behind that statement but I never understood why you would ever give a 15 and 13 year old a decision like that to make. I knew what I wanted and that was to stay in Portland with my dad, but I also knew that wasn’t the answer she was looking for.
The months that followed her move were probably some of the hardest months of my life. The shift in personality of my mother were something I never expected. I knew she was mad that I decided to stay but I never knew it would turn her into a monster. She began sending hateful emails and texts and began to call me some of the meanest things I’ve ever heard of. She told me that I wasn’t smart enough, or pretty enough, or good enough. Those were three of the statements that have always stuck with me. We always fought whether it was over the phone or through email, and the worst part was I couldn’t even show that I was hurting because I didn’t want to show her that I was weak. This went on for months until finally she said one thing that threw me over the edge. Her direct words to me were, “my new family is more important than you ever were.”. Those were the words that are still burned into my mind today. It was incomprehensible to me that someone who I used to hold in such high regard could tear me down that way. That was the last straw for me, I told her that I never wanted to see her again for the rest of my life. I told her to never text me or email me, I wanted no contact with that beast.
That was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my short life, but I knew it was the right one. I still struggle everyday with the decision I made, since then we have had very little contact with each other except for an occasional email. I usually just answer the questions she needs to know, like if her postcards or gifts were delivered. I have since then shared no personal information with her and continue to remind her that I wanted no contact unless necessary. This past summer she and her husband moved to Germany and felt no need to tell me or my sister which I felt as though that was necessary information, but that was her choice. This was all her choice, her selfish decisions, she ruined me and my family. There is not a day where I don’t have a doubt in the back of my mind that it was somehow my fault, even though I know it was not. She definitely changed me as a person, and from the day I said I wanted no further contact I decided that I was going to be better than she ever was. I knew that even though she told me one day I would be just like her that I would never do to the people I love what she did to me. Yes, it still hurts, but although it was hard it was the best decision I ever made for myself.
